Friday, September 15, 2006

Marriage - Using Sex As A Weapon - Michael Russell

Marriage should be a wonderful institution. Two people in love, sharing with each other, doing for each other, enjoying the life that they have set out to make together. Certainly if you've made it to the alter, there had to be something special between you. At least that's the way it's supposed to be. So why is it that as soon as something goes wrong the first line of attack is the bedroom and who's not going to be sleeping in it that evening?

It isn't just a stereotype. All too often whenever there is a problem in someone's marriage, the first casualty of the marriage is what goes on between the sheets. You would think that if you really wanted to get back at your spouse for whatever he or she did, you would cut off the food supply first. After all, isn't that the quickest way to cause death so you don't have to go through a messy divorce?

The truth is, we do use sex as a weapon when there are problems in our marriage. But not just a weapon. It seems it's the only weapon. It's the first thing that goes through our mind when we've been wronged. "No sex for you". Or, if we're the one who did the wronging, "No sex for me". We know it, we expect it and we dread it. It's as if we had our life support cut off and we're on our last breaths. It makes you wonder why sex is the first thing that gets hammered in a marriage.

Well, the answer is really very simple. As a species, we have been created with a very strong urge to have sex. If you think sex doesn't literally control our lives, at least when we're young, take a look at all the advertising with the half naked women parading around hawking the latest body wash or whatever it is. Take a look at the Miss Universe pageant that was recently on. The fact is, sex rules our lives. It's one of the main reasons we get married, though most won't admit it. So when there is a problem in the marriage, instead of trying to get closer and more intimate, in an attempt to remember why we love and want each other, we cut ourselves and our spouses off from the one thing that brings us closer than anything else.

Logically, it makes no sense. Emotionally, it makes all the sense in the world. When we're hurt, we want to hurt back. We often look for the means to cause the most hurt without actually causing physical pain. Cutting off our spouse (not literally) is the first thing we think of. Sadly, it is the most effective.

Unfortunately, this is a cycle that doesn't end. The spouse lashes back by trying to think of the next best thing to deprive their significant other of. And it just goes on and on until ultimately it spirals out of control.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all just get along and make love?

Michael Russell

Your Independent guide to Marriage

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