Thursday, June 08, 2006

Kick Porn: Practice In-to-me-see (intimacy) - By Tess Marshall

If you think intimacy is sex, it’s not. Making love is a part of intimacy but only a part of it.

Following are steps to increase intimacy in your relationship:

1. Choose to appreciate your partner. Find at least five things everyday you can really appreciate. For example, I appreciate the way she/he smiles at me. Or I appreciate the way she/he rubs my back.

2. When you spend time with your partner forget everything else. Turn off your cell phone. Look at each other when you speak. Refuse to interrupt and become a better listener. Be attentive. Open a door, give a hug, hold a hand, learn how to play together and have fun.

3. Silently send prayers and love to your partner. Look at him/her and remind yourself how much you are in love with this person. Pray silently from your heart for each other everyday.

4. Practice being comfortable looking in each other’s eyes and holding your gaze. It’s connecting at a soul level. Compare looking at each other like this when conversing with watching TV and talking. Big difference!

5. Give nonverbal feedback by nodding your head and smiling when he/she speaks. The other person will know you are listening with your heart as well.

6. Share successful accomplishments, large or small. Schedule time for sharing. Make it a habit to only share positive things at meal time.

7. Ask for what you want! Nobody is a mind reader.

8. Watch for what is wanted of you, give it whenever you can. Does your partner want you to be on time, more praise, more gentle touching, or to see you more often?

9. Learn to look with wonder at your partner. focus on strengths and hold a vision of what could be.

10. Practice thinking, “I love you and I only want the best for you.

Intimacy is about connection, appreciation, honesty and truth-telling. No one has enough of this. Choose to practice one of the ten everyday and you will see your relationship go from ho-hum to sizzling!

Tess Marshall has a master's degree in counseling psychology and a specialty in addictions. She has helped hundreds of people improve their relationships and work and live happy. For more information go to or

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