Sexual Positions - There Are More Than One You Know - By Lisa Mills

Your 5 times a week gymnastic ritual in the bedroom has dwindled to a once a month fumble with the lights out. Where did it all go wrong? Can it be put right? All relationships need a little injection of spice to keep the fires burning. Our sexual position suggestions are far more modern than the Kama Sutra and you can be sure you won’t have tried them all before.

SUDOKU STYLE:

Do positions 1 to 9 from the Kama Sutra without duplicating any number in her box.

ENGLAND STYLE:

Cover their face with the Union Jack and think of England.

PAINTBALL STYLE:

From a distance, using your weapon of choice, fire random blobs at her.

BLACK WIDOW STYLE:

A lot of fun but someone gets killed.

MCDONALD STYLE:

Scream “I’m lovin’ it” whilst probing her McFlurry.

GARDENERS STYLE:

Plant your seed and watch her belly grow.

SAS STYLE:

Hide naked in a bush and catch her unawares.

CONTORTIONIST STYLE:

Get as much of you as you can in her box.

MADONNA STYLE:

Stick 2 ice cream cones on your breasts and act like a virgin.

MATRIX STYLE:

Simultaneously jump into the air and try to copulate whilst in mid air. Best done in slow motion.

HELICOPTER STYLE:

Paint the letter H around your lady bits and watch as his chopper comes in to land.

DOUBLE BAG STYLE:

Put a bag on her head and a bag on your head in case hers comes off. Great for women pulled whilst wearing beer goggles.

DOGGY STYLE:

Grab her leg and rub yourself up and down it until you reach orgasm. Best tried whilst she is asleep.

FAT WOMAN STYLE:

Roll her in flour and look for the wet bit.

SUN BURN STYLE:

Only the genitals can touch.

KNITTING STYLE:

In, over, through and off.

HOKEY COKEY STYLE:

In, out, in, out, then shake it all about.

HEALTH AND SAFETY STYLE:

Both put on safety goggles, illuminous jackets and gloves and attempt to gain entry without injuring yourselves or steaming up your goggles.

TRAMPOLINE STYLE:

Bounce alternately. He lands first in the sitting position and woman lands on top aiming for penetration.

UNDER TRAMPOLINE STYLE:

Usually follows after the previous position fails.

ARMY STYLE:

Get her to clean your weapon using only their tongue and an electric toothbrush.

PINATA STYLE:

Get them to hang off a tree whilst you poke them.

SAFE SEX STYLE:

Both lie there, not touching each other and just think about what you could be doing if you weren’t so safety conscious.

STAR WARS STYLE:

Launch a surprise attack from behind.

DAVID BLUNKETT STYLE:

Bring your dog.

PRISON STYLE:

Drop the soap in the shower and stuff a flannel in her mouth.

007 STYLE:

Choose your woman wisely as she will be dead tomorrow.

ESSEX GIRL STYLE:

Get the woman to wear white stilettos and say “you can see my kebab”.

ESCORT STYLE:

Kissing is not allowed, however licking and touching of each others private body parts is absolutely fine.

DIY STYLE:

Usually carried out alone.

FRIENDS REUNITED STYLE:

Do it with old friends and then don’t see them again for ten years.

DIETERS STYLE:

Everything looks and feels as normal but doesn’t taste quite so sweet.

AMERICAN STYLE:

Do it whilst eating burgers.

DELIVERY DRIVER STYLE:

You wait patiently all day but he still doesn’t come.

BANK STYLE: Low interest means withdrawal likely.

DRIVERS STYLE:

After 10 minutes of huffing and puffing she says “are we there yet?”.

BARBIE AND KEN STYLE:

Attempt intercourse without bending your arms or your legs.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STYLE:

Suspend yourself from the ceiling by a wire and attempt intercourse without waking her.

ALIEN STYLE:

Use your probe.

NINJA STYLE:

She will never know you were there. Useful if you wouldn’t even touch the sides.

Lisa Mills writes predominantly for 24-7 London, an online entertainment and adult guide to London with a sense of humour. She can also write articles for you. Contact her at lisamills321 at hotmail dot com.

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